Probably this is the very first time i jot down some thoughts about my early stages of depression.
I recall the time that I dealt with my first relationship, when it is not broken but smashed into a zillion pieces that each poked into my heart each and everyday for just a month. I found a way to quickly get over it - which is to get myself into another relationship.
Sometimes I wonder, is it because i was in so much pain that I rushed myself into another relationship just to find refuge? But a counter thought always immediately appears: I still can tell I love my ex. In a way that I cannot explain, I love him for exactly who he is and I know because of that we can never be together as husband and wife. So much live is also channeled into hatred in moments of arguments, solely because he has cheated on me. As much as I try to forgive and forget, I could forgive but never forget. He now becomes a close friend that I can talk to every now and then, we still jiayou each other to go through the new stages in life, new jobs, new losses and successes, and we still meet up to talk over breakfast or an afternoon snack and Starbucks.
At this very moment I'm dealing with my 3rd broken relationship, and it is not pretty. My mind is slowly closing into oblivion where I can't seem to spot happiness in anything I do. I found out a lot of lies during the last 3 monhs of our relationship. Coupled with a blow from my ex landlord (who's also his cousin's wife), I heard how he flipped his face to put all the blames on me. To be honest I dont knkw whether to believe that, because it sounds real but also there's no way to verify it. So I chose the most efficient way to end it: cancel our meeting, which is supposed to be 2 days later, and told him we break up. He questioned my decision of course, but that can't change it. Cos honestly even if he didnt flip his face like my landlord said, I know he's too immature to take care of me. As much as I love him and care for him, he's another manchild who's full of love and romance but no mental muscles to put that into action and good foundation, the least being a career, he can't as well.
I watched him grow for a year, and it made me grow weary of it...
At this very moment, again, I can't seem to pull up a single string of faith in love or humanity. Everything is so messy. I worry about my parents, how they are againg and getting weaker by the day, how my brother is still swimming in the pool of choices, unsure how to set up his own empire and in the process has caused many damages to our family finance and even to his own marriage, with the woman he loves dearly but cannot get past her shadow of great career and high pay.
I seem to have lost faith in having a OK life, maybe my criteria is too high? Maybe I have run out of patience to wait for someone who can take care of me? I don't see the meaning in going to work, having a stable job, a roof over my head, friends and families who care for me. I can't seem to find anyone who can loan me a listenjng ear, who just listens attentively to this mess of me and just hug me until I fall asleep. Could it be my dad? My mom? Is this why I crave to have a boyfriend so bad?
I feel really weak at times, and I hate myself like this. I'm always the cheerful girl who energizes everyone, who overcame so many prejudices and challenges in her life to this position in Louis Vuitton, with comfortable pay and high savings. I don't even see meaning in buying anything anymore, money is nothing in my eyes now.
I really want to travel, to get away from this stuffiness. But I know even if I travel, this loneliness will still creep in, and I hate that.
I read online I should go and do what I like eg swimming, playing with cats, studying something new like science or what, just do something I always wanted to do or try something I never thought I would do, just something new to have a fresh new wind of change. But I should do it with someone. Someone???? Who should be able to? I finally after weeks of persuasion get my mom to book a hotel for the weekend family getaway. I need some comlany but I don't know where to turn to. I suddenly have the feeling my friends don't even understand me anymore, because when I just started to open up about what I'm thinking they already got too big a shock and jumped, either to conclusion or countering or advice. All of which I don't really wanna hear right now, I just need someone to LISTEN.
Too fast people are able to judge, advise, refer, counter, rather tha consoling the person and really looking into what the person needs right now.
I realy miss my school days, when I don't have to think so much, just do what I do best: study. I miss my university days where I was carefree and have purpose to rise to be the best in what I do, to participate in different clubs in the campus and explore so many new aspects of life. Where has that Ivy gone to? I feel like a python just shed its skin which is me, left me there like a soul-less piece of rag that it doesnt need anymore, get carried away by the winds, trampled by the rain, burnt by the scorching sun.
How should I put it? Early stages of depression is like this. Maybe i'm victimizing myself? I really don't know either. I know I need to get some help, but I don't know where. Friends that I turn to, they don't seem to have a listening ear. Family that I turn too, they haven't got the time either. Talk to my ex? Oh gosh, if I do isn't that setting my own booby trap?
Kind of stuck and don't know where to go, where to be, what's the meaning of life anymore....
One more thing I found is that, as much as I really really love Singapore - for all its modernity and fashion, cuisine and artfully placed buildings and heritage, for all the activities that are cheap and fun, for its busy people and a lot of competitions - I found few things I really can enjoy doing after my jumbled up working hours take away most of the days and weekends. Last time I used to enjoy shopping during off days a lot. Now it's something I really hate, I don't find anything I need. I feel stuck because I don't want material things, I need mental motivators and stimulators. I want to join clubs but they meet like weekly Friday. I wanna do voluntary work but my kind of timings don't really work well...
I hope my search for meaning will turn out successful in a few months time. I hope it helps me deal with this depression. I read something that strikes very real tome: how can you find someone to love you, if you can't even live yourself right now? You need to be stable first, get your mind straight, that's the only time you can find someone worthy. Don't let the slow slid of depression makes you victimize yourself and push away the 4 pillars which are family, friends, health and integrity.
Yes, this is the time I need to retain my integrity. This is affecting my health very much, I have been eating like a pig everyday and still lost 4kgs. Please please please let me find meaning again, at least give me a chance to find some clubs I really like and enjoy then on my always-different-every-freaking-week off days.
Love yourself.
I recall the time that I dealt with my first relationship, when it is not broken but smashed into a zillion pieces that each poked into my heart each and everyday for just a month. I found a way to quickly get over it - which is to get myself into another relationship.
Sometimes I wonder, is it because i was in so much pain that I rushed myself into another relationship just to find refuge? But a counter thought always immediately appears: I still can tell I love my ex. In a way that I cannot explain, I love him for exactly who he is and I know because of that we can never be together as husband and wife. So much live is also channeled into hatred in moments of arguments, solely because he has cheated on me. As much as I try to forgive and forget, I could forgive but never forget. He now becomes a close friend that I can talk to every now and then, we still jiayou each other to go through the new stages in life, new jobs, new losses and successes, and we still meet up to talk over breakfast or an afternoon snack and Starbucks.
At this very moment I'm dealing with my 3rd broken relationship, and it is not pretty. My mind is slowly closing into oblivion where I can't seem to spot happiness in anything I do. I found out a lot of lies during the last 3 monhs of our relationship. Coupled with a blow from my ex landlord (who's also his cousin's wife), I heard how he flipped his face to put all the blames on me. To be honest I dont knkw whether to believe that, because it sounds real but also there's no way to verify it. So I chose the most efficient way to end it: cancel our meeting, which is supposed to be 2 days later, and told him we break up. He questioned my decision of course, but that can't change it. Cos honestly even if he didnt flip his face like my landlord said, I know he's too immature to take care of me. As much as I love him and care for him, he's another manchild who's full of love and romance but no mental muscles to put that into action and good foundation, the least being a career, he can't as well.
I watched him grow for a year, and it made me grow weary of it...
At this very moment, again, I can't seem to pull up a single string of faith in love or humanity. Everything is so messy. I worry about my parents, how they are againg and getting weaker by the day, how my brother is still swimming in the pool of choices, unsure how to set up his own empire and in the process has caused many damages to our family finance and even to his own marriage, with the woman he loves dearly but cannot get past her shadow of great career and high pay.
I seem to have lost faith in having a OK life, maybe my criteria is too high? Maybe I have run out of patience to wait for someone who can take care of me? I don't see the meaning in going to work, having a stable job, a roof over my head, friends and families who care for me. I can't seem to find anyone who can loan me a listenjng ear, who just listens attentively to this mess of me and just hug me until I fall asleep. Could it be my dad? My mom? Is this why I crave to have a boyfriend so bad?
I feel really weak at times, and I hate myself like this. I'm always the cheerful girl who energizes everyone, who overcame so many prejudices and challenges in her life to this position in Louis Vuitton, with comfortable pay and high savings. I don't even see meaning in buying anything anymore, money is nothing in my eyes now.
I really want to travel, to get away from this stuffiness. But I know even if I travel, this loneliness will still creep in, and I hate that.
I read online I should go and do what I like eg swimming, playing with cats, studying something new like science or what, just do something I always wanted to do or try something I never thought I would do, just something new to have a fresh new wind of change. But I should do it with someone. Someone???? Who should be able to? I finally after weeks of persuasion get my mom to book a hotel for the weekend family getaway. I need some comlany but I don't know where to turn to. I suddenly have the feeling my friends don't even understand me anymore, because when I just started to open up about what I'm thinking they already got too big a shock and jumped, either to conclusion or countering or advice. All of which I don't really wanna hear right now, I just need someone to LISTEN.
Too fast people are able to judge, advise, refer, counter, rather tha consoling the person and really looking into what the person needs right now.
I realy miss my school days, when I don't have to think so much, just do what I do best: study. I miss my university days where I was carefree and have purpose to rise to be the best in what I do, to participate in different clubs in the campus and explore so many new aspects of life. Where has that Ivy gone to? I feel like a python just shed its skin which is me, left me there like a soul-less piece of rag that it doesnt need anymore, get carried away by the winds, trampled by the rain, burnt by the scorching sun.
How should I put it? Early stages of depression is like this. Maybe i'm victimizing myself? I really don't know either. I know I need to get some help, but I don't know where. Friends that I turn to, they don't seem to have a listening ear. Family that I turn too, they haven't got the time either. Talk to my ex? Oh gosh, if I do isn't that setting my own booby trap?
Kind of stuck and don't know where to go, where to be, what's the meaning of life anymore....
One more thing I found is that, as much as I really really love Singapore - for all its modernity and fashion, cuisine and artfully placed buildings and heritage, for all the activities that are cheap and fun, for its busy people and a lot of competitions - I found few things I really can enjoy doing after my jumbled up working hours take away most of the days and weekends. Last time I used to enjoy shopping during off days a lot. Now it's something I really hate, I don't find anything I need. I feel stuck because I don't want material things, I need mental motivators and stimulators. I want to join clubs but they meet like weekly Friday. I wanna do voluntary work but my kind of timings don't really work well...
I hope my search for meaning will turn out successful in a few months time. I hope it helps me deal with this depression. I read something that strikes very real tome: how can you find someone to love you, if you can't even live yourself right now? You need to be stable first, get your mind straight, that's the only time you can find someone worthy. Don't let the slow slid of depression makes you victimize yourself and push away the 4 pillars which are family, friends, health and integrity.
Yes, this is the time I need to retain my integrity. This is affecting my health very much, I have been eating like a pig everyday and still lost 4kgs. Please please please let me find meaning again, at least give me a chance to find some clubs I really like and enjoy then on my always-different-every-freaking-week off days.
Love yourself.
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